Happiness and home

Because the two of the above are always linked...Its Christmas eve,the peanut is asleep after tiring herself out at work with me for 5 hours,the boys are out in search of xmas spirit(s) and will fall in happy and totally wasted sometime in the next 3 hours.Right now,the house is peaceful,the altar is trimmed and freshly covered in green and red,there are presents everywhere-all carefully wrapped by me and waiting for the moment I can finally fill the stockings,and after the manic rush of xmas eve at work there is only a sense of peace and calm.This is my favourite moment of christmas.Everything is done,the house is calm and warm,Peanut is sleeping and I can enjoy the anticipation of tomorrow and watching everyone open their stockings. Thats what I want for xmas,the same thing I want every year,to have the boys forget work,just for one day and act like children again,to be happy and relaxed and playful. I want Peanut to open her stocking just like she always does,with excitement that makes me smile like a cheshire cat.I want what every mother wants,for the whole family-even those not with us on the day-to know that I am thinking of them and love them,and I hope that they all have a wonderful,fun,exciting christmas.I hope they all feel loved and warm and happy. And THAT is better than anything you can wrap ;) Happy holidays everyone xxx

goodwill and gunk

Well,the previous situation resolved itself ok...small luteal cyst,meh. Part of me is relieved,and part of me is sad. I know. He doesnt want kids,Im getting to old to go through that shit again,and Ive been trying (and mostly succeeding) to convince myself that I dont want another child,Im not broody and everything is cool. Unfortunately the large hormonal fallout from this last incident has thrown all my careful reasoning out of the window,and left me mourning the fact that Ill never really experience any of that again. I should be so grateful. I have the best little peanut ever,and Im so proud of her and how far we have come on her way.And yet...there is still that sneaky little wish that wont go away. Meh,maybe I just want to be a housewife. hehehe yeah,and an osteoarcheologist too...Oh,and the goodwill is for the xmas spirit-I cannot WAIT to watch the kids open their presents,and cant wait until that magical time when Im leaving work on xmas eve,ready to make christmas for the kids.That walk home is always a happy one. As for gunk? Well,its what we're all coughing up right now...yay colds. :( Least they be better by christmas..... :)

charting and cards.

12 dpo,BFN. Think Im out,but Justice,Empress and 3 cups could convince me otherwise...nothing to do but put my faith where it belongs and wait it out...Im not as strong as I was,and Im twice as scared.Theres 2 to let down and one to save...and all these numbers add up to heartbreak again...still,its out of my hands and into Hers.

blood and cycles

There is a saying I'm a great believer in: 'What goes around comes around'. I also believe that there is never one chance at anything in this life. If something is meant to happen,then it will. That said,I wonder if anyone else has been in the position where they have wanted something so much,put all their time and energy into it,only to get what they sought so desperately just as the idea is wearing off? Im sure its not just me.Ah well,change happens,world spins,and we all follow the path we've made ourselves. Im sure everything will be ok. That said,wish I could be so confident about other situations I find myself in...Im bleeding,well spotting really,out of cycle-mid cycle,complete with cramps. Its not happened before,and being as the last period was a bit weird,Im just hoping we dont have a repeat of the situation a year or so back. I really think its more likely to be something else though,something even more worrying,endometriosis?uterine polyps?Who knows? Not me,and Im plenty scared. This kinda crap always happens on a saturday to,and if NHS direct were any less direct they'd be operating from Mars...in fact,given the 5 hour wait for a callback,Id say thats where they've based their call centres...anyway,sure it will resolve itself one way or another.Its probably just my hormones realising Ive hit 30 something.If not,well,its a good job Mr has decided he doesnt want kids,cos whatever this is,pretty sure it doesnt bode well for fertility...

age and identity

This post originally started after noticing several friends of mine who have just hit their 30s, and in some cases just had children, blogging about how they felt a little lost. Sure,they are happy,just a little unsure of who they are these days.That got me thinking,and before you can say 'wouldntstartgoingthereifIwereyou...' I realised I had my own mini identity crisis going on.This isnt exactly a new thing,as anyone bored enough to read all these posts will figure out pretty quickly.Anyhow,that lead me to wondering how we define ourselves in the first place (see what happens when my brain is allowed out unsupervised?!) and the most common way seems to be by what we do.Our interests,hobbys,family status etc all kind of mush together to create 'us'. At least,how we are seen by others anyway,defining myself to me would take way longer and be a good deal less pleasant! So,I guess with that in mind,here is me-lite...
First,and most importantly-Im a Mother...step forward the Peanut!
Secondly,kind of leading on from the first, Im a Homeschooler-at least for this year...though I have to admit the more time we spend homeschooling,the more Id like to continue...despite blatant disapproval from one flatmate and the boyfriends support but resignation as we have less time to 'us'.
Thirdly,Im a Hooper. Yes,I did say hooper. I play with an oversized hula hoop on a daily basis.Not for fitness,Im to lazy for that,but because it is fun,addictive and easy and doesnt kill my back the way pole dancing does these days.
Four,Im a sewer/knitter/croche-er. I suppose 'crafter' would be easier here,but that makes me think of people who make things with beads or stampers,and Ive never been much good at that kind of stuff. Mostly Im talking about less exciting stuff,mending and sewing new clothes for me and Peanut,making costumes,toys,clothes for toys,everyday cleaning cloths,pads etc. You get the idea. Hey,its cheaper than buying new,and its a little bit more individual.
Five-I like to bake. Im an average cook at best,I have my recipes like mac n cheese,hot and sour ginger soup etc that I love and fall back on regularly,but when it comes to baking,that is an obsession. Mainly vegan,not because we are,but because I always seem to be out of eggs,lactose intollerance and the fact that its more fun for Peanut to inform people that the cake they have just eaten contains vinegar..hehhe..the latest recipe is banana cake with peanut butter/choc icing...mmmm

Reading the above,I guess that there is probably one label which would cover everything-Hippie! Peanut is always teasing me about this,but I have to admit,chuck in the fact my religion is probably pagan,my other hobbies include gardening,conservation and finding ways to save money/the planet and yeah...suddenly 'hippie' fits. Cant say I wear tie dye much,and I do wash daily (with dr bronners but hey) and yes,I do keep the pits n legs hair free (or as hair free as possible when one has black hair and bloody white skin!) but generally,Im a hippie. Add a love of music particularly dirty southern rock,country and world,and the fact Im now on a quest to grow my hair out and back to its former -halfway down the back-glory and I may as well be living in a commune somewhere singing drippy folk songs and eating lentils or whatever.
Im also a reader,a bear-keeper,a backrub specialist,a mother hen figure,a sarcastic cow,a handywoman,stubborn pain in the ass and many other things which are a good deal less charitable..but there you go. Label away.

homeschooling, hooping and hair

Well,we've taken the plunge...made the suicidal lemming leap from the comfort of sending Peanut to school to BEING the school. Many of you have politely questioned the sanity of this,pointed out that school teaching + working 20 plus hours a week = total mental breakdown.Well,you are all right...it IS knackering,Ive been getting up at 7.35,getting the washing on and the house ready,waking the Peanut at 8,starting lessons at 9 and then either rushing off to work 2 till 8,or more lessons.When evening comes I am normally to be found cramming lesson plans and working out teaching strategy.That or reading texts and working out how to break them down,scouting new ones etc. My brain is on the go from the second I wake up to the minute I lie down,and the only thing that stops me thinking enough to get to sleep is an iPod loaded with sleep enhancing tunes to drift me off into a coma. And you know what? I am absolutely LOVING it!!! We have had a week of the most stress free mornings ever! Peanut wakes up naturally,has time to read,eat brekkie and get the all important laxative dose numero 1 down her BEFORE starting school. No tears over maths,no stressful screaming matches,not even a raised voice...unheard of in our house! The seemingly insolvable maths riddles of last year are actually proving strangely do-able with an hour a day one to one tuition,and the odd hackey sack juggling whilst reciting times tables methodology.History is so much more alive when taken out of the classroom setting and placed in museums,family recollection and books.English is amazing,she never ceases to astound me with her grasp of fairly advanced concepts,and poetry analysis is way more fun when choosing poems involving her beloved felines-big thank you to TS Eliot, Yeats and Kipling there :) It IS hard,but it is also so amazingly fun! Best of all, me and Peanut have time together to actually talk,and share stuff. No more hurried convos on the way to school,no more being too tired to catch up at the end of the day. I have more patience than I ever thought I would,and most importantly,Peanut is happy! Life is good.
Hooping-well,Im buying a new hoop,been a while since I hoop danced,but Im thinking of starting again. Could be a fun addition to PE lessons too :)
Hair-yup,the dreads are back! Only on either side,but I feel better having a couple of them in again-no more full head dreads tho ;)
Peace and calm guys,or at least calm-peace in our time seems unlikely,and peace in our house even more so!

pretty boys and perfection with stubble

Okay,this is a short one,because firstly,I still cant sit comfortably for any length of time without my back reminding me that humans evolving to bipeds was the DUMBEST move ever,and because Peanut is currently halfway through a movicol wash out. Hmmm...yay!
Having sat through the current 'end of the world' type hysteria that surrounds Twishite,err Twilight,Id like to pose a question: Will someone PLEASE explain to me WHY Robert bloody Pattinson is so supposedly attractive?!! I mean,Ive tried to be objective,but for the love of god hes a skinny,pale,unnatractive,petulant little BOY! Now,anyone who knows me will know I have a fairly strong opinion on the subject of pretty boys. You can keep all your Brad Pitts,Johnny Depps etc etc just give me a man. Please,an honest to gods big ,tall ,hairy straight talking intelligent MAN!!! Why would anyone want to date a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than they do?! Who is prettier than them?! (with me I admit that gives them plenty of scope but hey,not the point) Many people will doutless be aware of my 'Eastwood scale'.Constructed during adolescence,this was my way of measuring a guy up (not like that you perves!).Clint Eastwood,being the object of my total lust in any movie hes been in,but especially the more recent ones,Unforgiven?hmmmmmmm..drool...,was obviously at the very top. Next down,settling in at a comfortable 9,Jean Reno.Oh dear god that man is incredible...Id sit through the atrocity that is godzilla just to hear him speak,and damned if Id be listening properly cos Id be too busy drooling... I am aware that both of these men are easily old enough to be my father (daddy issues?dont even START me on that) but the charisma and sheer magnetism both display leaves me just a little breathless.Now I am fortunate enough to be dating someone for whom I have renamed the scale. Yup,step aside Clint,the name of the scale is now Marshall. Hes 6ft5,shaggy haired,bearded,broad shouldered,confident and intelligent. Yes ladies,I know. And no,hes mine. Absolutely no sharing. With this man to measure up to,there are gonna be no contenders.That said,I still spent all of last week (when movement was excruciating and painkillers delerium inducing) watching back to back Reno movies,with the odd Eastwood classic thrown in. There is something amazingly comforting about Jean Renos voice,90% french but with the odd touch of something else thrown in. Now,the third man on the scale was Hugh Jackman. I know,cliche,little bit less iconic,but there was still something about him. Now,poor long suffering man in my life was happy to accept I may find Clint Eastwood the pinnacle of male-ness,and even accepted that Jean Reno could come a very close second...supposedly both of them are worthy of his respect and therefore ok to drool over. Jackman however,was apparently not. Ah well,given the choice of an hour in a room with a fully naked Hugh Jackman with a can of whipped cream and a pair of handcuffs,or a ten minute conversation with a fully clothed Jean Reno,and I pick the latter. Hey,its all very well being pretty but I need a little mental stimulation too-never underestimate the sheer pleasure of having an intelligent conversation...with someone who makes you drool-theres a challenge for you! (Oh,and Id turn down the latter for a mere 2 second look at the glory that is Mr Eastwood,clothing optional ;) Hey,a girls only human!) Fortunately for both him and me,none of these men compare to the perfection that is my long suffering boyfriend...X And he knows,dont worry,he knows! Now,all that said,STILL wanna explain the Pattinson thing to me?! Didnt think so.Accept a lost cause guys...