breakdown and breakout.

Well,for the last 48 hours I have been on the memory lane express.Believe me,if I knew how to derail that bitch I would! I feel like Im drowning in everything that happened,and Im finding it hard to stay afloat. Had an urgent begging email from my uncle and auntie trying to get me to write to the solicitor so she can release some of Grandmas money early cos my cousin got himself into stupid debt. I did. I also sent them a general chatty email,hoping that I may get a response. Big fat zip. Guess I know where my uses are...Grandmas money is being released, 20% of my share is going to my mother,whether she argues or not as a wedding gift from the Thomsons. I have never wanted my name back so badly. My last link to Grandma,Grandpa and Alan,and Im still stuck as Mann after 2 years.Guess the money will pay for the divorce.I just want to be free awhile. Of course,the problem with freedom is you have to know what to do with it...
Everyone I know seems to be either pregnant or riding the new baby train right now. I am so happy for them,and Im going to try to be a great Auntie to any of them that want,but it drags up things in my past I wish I could leave there. Of course,one of them happened to walk into where I work,recognise me,try and pretend he didnt,and then act like nothing happened. I smiled,said hello,treated him like a normal customer,and hoped he would get the fuck outta my life again asap. That he doesnt acknowledge his daughter is a blessing-I have always provided for her,and never taken anything from him,and damned if Im going to start now.He could at least have had the balls to say hello normally tho.Im not going to bite,if I was I would have done it long ago. I thought I had made my peace with everything,but hearing my friends and how excited they are,and how their partners are doing all these things to help them,and getting excited about the baby scans and stuff and it just hurts. I had one chance at being a mother,I took it,and I love her more than anything,but I have done her no favours. There was no one to get excited about my scan,noone to feel the baby move and know it was theirs. There was my mother in the delivery room,and Cai arrived so perfect,but with only me to see her. I dont know how it feels to be pregnant and excited about it,to look at all the changes and be happy,to have someone to share it all with. I was so lonely when I was pregnant,my friends were so good,but they can only be there for a little while,they have their own lives to lead. I have always provided for her,but its not enough. She should have had everything my friends babys will have. She should have security and had a mother who knew what they were doing,who knew that cloth diapers would get rid of her painful rash,that organic cream would have soothed her excema,and that something was wrong with her stomach at birth,and it should have been dealt with. I know so much now,there is so much I could do right,but I will never have the chance again do bring back Cais childhood and make it better. I did what I could at the time,trusted doctors,applied my knowledge as best I could,but I could have done so much better. I will never be able to fix that,but at least I am smart enough to realise that having another child will not give my first child the perfect babyhood she should have had. I just have to carry on doing my best,because that is all I can do. If I had known,so much would have been different.As it was,she was fed,clothed,rocked to sleep,fed and loved with everything I had. She was breastfed,she was in a sling or a back carrier and close to me a lot,and she went where I went,listened to happy music on the radio,and given everything I could. I am proud that the money that paid for all her new baby things was mine,I am proud that I worked to support us both,and I am proud not to take state handouts or anything from her father.I guess every mother feels like they could have done more. I know I could,and if she was born now,I have learnt so much more,there is so much more out there now that I could do for her. I will never get that chance again,not so long ago I almost did,only for a few weeks,but I think if you mess up something once,you dont always get another go around,and I only hope she will be a strong enough person to get over all the many mistakes Ive made and if she ever has children,to do it when she can enjoy them. Babies and children are supposed to be enjoyed,not survived! They are meant to be a source of joy,not anxiety and they are meant to have the best,not just the best you can do because you are too young and stupid to know enough about raising them. I know I cant have any more children.It hurt so much at first,but I can accept it now. I know crying over the past doesnt fix it,but sometimes its the only way to get it out of your head and move on. I hope she will realise one day that I tried as hard as I could,and that she forgives me for not giving her up to someone who could have done a better job.
I look at my family now,and I can see why my mother has finally found happiness again. He is a good man,with a good family. They are bright,well educated,attractive,churchgoing and they have good jobs. The children are outgoing,confident and beautiful. Talk about trading up,hey? I can see how I must be an embarrassment,pregnant at 19,mum at 20,no education beyond A levels and too stupid to get any,works in retail at 32,and currently still to broke to get out of a divorce,and home educating my daughter,who should never have been subjected to such a life when she could have been adopted into a family like the one my mother is soon to be a part of. Well,Im proud to be a Thomson,someone has to do more for Grandma and Grandpas memory than just fight over their money,and someone has to keep Alans name because its not like hes here to defend it. Whether or not he is proud of his legacy I dont know,I suspect hes highly embarrassed like my mother by the way I turned out,but Im not in stupid debt,Ive always paid my way,and Ive always tried to do what I think is the right thing regardless of public opinion. I dont know its a legacy to be proud of,but its a legacy nonetheless,blood or not.I wish Id known him.Hell,if wishes were pigs,Id be up to my eyes in pork today,huh? Guess its just one of those days,and Im sure tomorrow it will all be fine,and Ill go buy presents for the new babies,and everything will move on. I can at least be a good auntie,even if I cant quite crack being anything else. I just wish I had some direction,right now Im lost and dont know which way to go.

resolutions and revolutions

Well,happy new year again...its been a full year since I started this blog...its strangely cathartic...
Anyhow,went back and looked at last years revolutions.Ouch. Didnt quite get all of them done;still havent gone back to school,
STILL havent got divorced, (I know,I know)
and yes,still working in retail.sigh.
Wasnt a total waste...did manage to get Peanuts guts sorted out-no mean feat...and my gods that has made SUCH a difference to our lives.Also learned to let go a little and relax more.Also no mean feat.So,2 out of about 6 isnt so bad I guess...
Anyhow,on with the new year optimism before the hangover bites-9 shots of JD and something that tasted of blackcurrant and not getting to bed until 2am is not really so good at my advanced age ;) This year,Im not so much aiming to improve myself as have a little more fun...
This year I will:
1. Get another tattoo. A big one. On my arm,you know,the one that ISNT already covered...
2.Hoop every day. I do this anyway,but I want to spend MORE time doing it because it makes me happy :)
3. Travel to America again.
4.Grow my hair.Its getting there,Im trying to oil it 3x a week and trim only once every 4 months.
5.Take Peanut to more museums,galleries,fieldtrips etc.
6.Stick with the healthy diet Ive managed this year.
7.Spend more time with my friends...I miss you guys...
8.Keep looking regularly at the job pages-just in case.
9.Pay off my overdraft,credit card and divorce.
10.Draw more
11.Sort out my stuff to a managable level of crap.
I think thats about it...better at least TRY and keep it realistic hehe :)
Oh,and the 'revolutions' refers to the hooping-managed to get a new trick on today,got my hoop from waist to chest with both arms in and then out again and back down...Fun :)
Have fun you guys,a new year awaits...

Happiness and home

Because the two of the above are always linked...Its Christmas eve,the peanut is asleep after tiring herself out at work with me for 5 hours,the boys are out in search of xmas spirit(s) and will fall in happy and totally wasted sometime in the next 3 hours.Right now,the house is peaceful,the altar is trimmed and freshly covered in green and red,there are presents everywhere-all carefully wrapped by me and waiting for the moment I can finally fill the stockings,and after the manic rush of xmas eve at work there is only a sense of peace and calm.This is my favourite moment of christmas.Everything is done,the house is calm and warm,Peanut is sleeping and I can enjoy the anticipation of tomorrow and watching everyone open their stockings. Thats what I want for xmas,the same thing I want every year,to have the boys forget work,just for one day and act like children again,to be happy and relaxed and playful. I want Peanut to open her stocking just like she always does,with excitement that makes me smile like a cheshire cat.I want what every mother wants,for the whole family-even those not with us on the day-to know that I am thinking of them and love them,and I hope that they all have a wonderful,fun,exciting christmas.I hope they all feel loved and warm and happy. And THAT is better than anything you can wrap ;) Happy holidays everyone xxx

goodwill and gunk

Well,the previous situation resolved itself ok...small luteal cyst,meh. Part of me is relieved,and part of me is sad. I know. He doesnt want kids,Im getting to old to go through that shit again,and Ive been trying (and mostly succeeding) to convince myself that I dont want another child,Im not broody and everything is cool. Unfortunately the large hormonal fallout from this last incident has thrown all my careful reasoning out of the window,and left me mourning the fact that Ill never really experience any of that again. I should be so grateful. I have the best little peanut ever,and Im so proud of her and how far we have come on her way.And yet...there is still that sneaky little wish that wont go away. Meh,maybe I just want to be a housewife. hehehe yeah,and an osteoarcheologist too...Oh,and the goodwill is for the xmas spirit-I cannot WAIT to watch the kids open their presents,and cant wait until that magical time when Im leaving work on xmas eve,ready to make christmas for the kids.That walk home is always a happy one. As for gunk? Well,its what we're all coughing up right now...yay colds. :( Least they be better by christmas..... :)

charting and cards.

12 dpo,BFN. Think Im out,but Justice,Empress and 3 cups could convince me otherwise...nothing to do but put my faith where it belongs and wait it out...Im not as strong as I was,and Im twice as scared.Theres 2 to let down and one to save...and all these numbers add up to heartbreak again...still,its out of my hands and into Hers.

blood and cycles

There is a saying I'm a great believer in: 'What goes around comes around'. I also believe that there is never one chance at anything in this life. If something is meant to happen,then it will. That said,I wonder if anyone else has been in the position where they have wanted something so much,put all their time and energy into it,only to get what they sought so desperately just as the idea is wearing off? Im sure its not just me.Ah well,change happens,world spins,and we all follow the path we've made ourselves. Im sure everything will be ok. That said,wish I could be so confident about other situations I find myself in...Im bleeding,well spotting really,out of cycle-mid cycle,complete with cramps. Its not happened before,and being as the last period was a bit weird,Im just hoping we dont have a repeat of the situation a year or so back. I really think its more likely to be something else though,something even more worrying,endometriosis?uterine polyps?Who knows? Not me,and Im plenty scared. This kinda crap always happens on a saturday to,and if NHS direct were any less direct they'd be operating from Mars...in fact,given the 5 hour wait for a callback,Id say thats where they've based their call centres...anyway,sure it will resolve itself one way or another.Its probably just my hormones realising Ive hit 30 something.If not,well,its a good job Mr has decided he doesnt want kids,cos whatever this is,pretty sure it doesnt bode well for fertility...

age and identity

This post originally started after noticing several friends of mine who have just hit their 30s, and in some cases just had children, blogging about how they felt a little lost. Sure,they are happy,just a little unsure of who they are these days.That got me thinking,and before you can say 'wouldntstartgoingthereifIwereyou...' I realised I had my own mini identity crisis going on.This isnt exactly a new thing,as anyone bored enough to read all these posts will figure out pretty quickly.Anyhow,that lead me to wondering how we define ourselves in the first place (see what happens when my brain is allowed out unsupervised?!) and the most common way seems to be by what we do.Our interests,hobbys,family status etc all kind of mush together to create 'us'. At least,how we are seen by others anyway,defining myself to me would take way longer and be a good deal less pleasant! So,I guess with that in mind,here is me-lite...
First,and most importantly-Im a Mother...step forward the Peanut!
Secondly,kind of leading on from the first, Im a Homeschooler-at least for this year...though I have to admit the more time we spend homeschooling,the more Id like to continue...despite blatant disapproval from one flatmate and the boyfriends support but resignation as we have less time to 'us'.
Thirdly,Im a Hooper. Yes,I did say hooper. I play with an oversized hula hoop on a daily basis.Not for fitness,Im to lazy for that,but because it is fun,addictive and easy and doesnt kill my back the way pole dancing does these days.
Four,Im a sewer/knitter/croche-er. I suppose 'crafter' would be easier here,but that makes me think of people who make things with beads or stampers,and Ive never been much good at that kind of stuff. Mostly Im talking about less exciting stuff,mending and sewing new clothes for me and Peanut,making costumes,toys,clothes for toys,everyday cleaning cloths,pads etc. You get the idea. Hey,its cheaper than buying new,and its a little bit more individual.
Five-I like to bake. Im an average cook at best,I have my recipes like mac n cheese,hot and sour ginger soup etc that I love and fall back on regularly,but when it comes to baking,that is an obsession. Mainly vegan,not because we are,but because I always seem to be out of eggs,lactose intollerance and the fact that its more fun for Peanut to inform people that the cake they have just eaten contains vinegar..hehhe..the latest recipe is banana cake with peanut butter/choc icing...mmmm

Reading the above,I guess that there is probably one label which would cover everything-Hippie! Peanut is always teasing me about this,but I have to admit,chuck in the fact my religion is probably pagan,my other hobbies include gardening,conservation and finding ways to save money/the planet and yeah...suddenly 'hippie' fits. Cant say I wear tie dye much,and I do wash daily (with dr bronners but hey) and yes,I do keep the pits n legs hair free (or as hair free as possible when one has black hair and bloody white skin!) but generally,Im a hippie. Add a love of music particularly dirty southern rock,country and world,and the fact Im now on a quest to grow my hair out and back to its former -halfway down the back-glory and I may as well be living in a commune somewhere singing drippy folk songs and eating lentils or whatever.
Im also a reader,a bear-keeper,a backrub specialist,a mother hen figure,a sarcastic cow,a handywoman,stubborn pain in the ass and many other things which are a good deal less charitable..but there you go. Label away.