booby prizes and hammock bras

On another note entirely from my last rant...I finally gave in to relentless nagging (thanks Nanna) and went to get measured for a bra for the first time since puberty. Bear in mind that since then I have given birth,and lost then gained varying degrees of weight,and I was expecting a certain amount of change. I mean,the old 36C was getting a little tight.I went in expecting to walk out with a D cup. Maybe in a 38. Oh no. We didnt even LOOK at D cups. I was marched straight to the E section. Ok. We can deal with being half naked in front of a lady who,bless her,didnt bat an eyelid at the numerous large tattoos,crazy hair and general state of bad dress sense (look,the sesame street t was the only one that was dry,ok?!)We can deal with all this while being in the kind of posh store rich old ladies-and no doubt a few of em even have the title legit-but being told one is 2 big for an E cup?! Jeez. When the shirt came of revealing the full extent of the cleavage straining at the bra,on well manicured eyebrow shot up,and the E cup which had been chosen swiftly returned to the shop floor while I stood half naked in a cubicle wondering what was coming next. (now theres a line...) What came next was the tape measure.Turns out,Im a little thinner than I thought-Im actually a 32.Thats cool. I can live with that. The EE was however,not going to cut it. My cup runneth over.It wasnt a good look-think vegas hooker in unfortunate laundromat mixup...Okay,so out come the big guns (haha) the F cups. Surely,these would do it. Nearly,nearly,turn around madam,oops...still the escaping from maximum security look...Finally,we stop at FF.Yeah. All those years wandering round with barely contained cleavage suddenly made sense.Having paid my travel fees for a month to get out of there wearing something strangely ...comfortable...? I retreated wearing what felt less like undies and more like civil engineering in beige.Yum.Next stop,somewhere that sells stuff in colours that dont match the wallpaper...And that is where the problem started. I thought buying a bra was hard BEFORE,but now,ah wow,its a whole new problem. Check for 32-no probs,as long as you dont have a cup larger than a DD. Check for FF,and try finding something smaller than a 34-you see where Im going with this?! Finally,after much searching,squeezed into a 32F (still more comfortable,embarrassingly enough than what I have been wearing for the last 11 years...) and spent the rest of my 'mad money' for the month on a few items with at least a bit of lace and some silk. Now,I decide while Im here I ought to call Nanna and inform her that Ive finally given in and listened. I called. I got Mum. I told her. I put the phone down when she cut us off because she was laughing so hard. Thanks Ma! In all fairness,she did call back and apologise,she just thought it was so funny that Ive been SO badly wrong all these years and not 'caused an accident with those puppies'. woof. Now,the more pleasant call to the man in my life...'well hon,the bad news is,Im not a 36,Im a 32.' 'Oh'. Pause while he thinks of something sweet to say along the lines of 'well I love you anyway'. Interrupt train of thought with 'but Im a FF'. ' ahhh yeah?!! ' 'My bras now need planning permission.' 'aaahhhh yeahhh...!!! Yup,they may not actually be any bigger now than they were in the other bras,but now theres more of my undies I have apparently made one man at least very happy. Im guessing its like sport to them,the bigger the cup the more points you get in the locker room...?Bless him,at least someones happy-too bad he wont be when he figures out it'll cost him more to buy me undies in future... :)

who educates the educator?

Well,as some people already know,this september marks a fairly large step into the unknown...and no Im NOT talking about Bones season 6...or at least,not JUST about that... I have decided,having been given the equivalent of the booby prize (stop snickering at the back!) in the school lottery that is our LEA,I will withdraw the peanut from school and...TEACH HER MYSELF. There.Ive said it,now please stop laughing.Yes,you. I am aware that I am not a shining example of the education system,but I did escape with ten GCSEs,4 A levels and an AS.(and all but 2 at grades A-C) Therefore,I am fairly sure I can handle key stage 3 english,science,history,music,home ec,PE and the like. After much headscratching and a few bitten nails I have a complete syllabus,6month timetable and a daily lesson plan for the next 2 months so submit to the LEA.Those of you who are smarter-yes,Im aware thats a lot of you,will have noticed there is one subject noticably absent from the above list...thats right,MATHS!!! Arrrgh! All my school nightmares in one small (or not) subject...I loathe maths,find it difficult,and other than its applications for my job,my tax return and science,try and avoid it at all costs. It is no accident I keep a calculator in my pocket at work at ALL times! That said,we are gonna try peanut with kumon classes,and if needs be I will happily pay for her to be tutored properly in that one subject. Now,before everyone tells me how mad/stupid/stupidly mad/irresponsible etc I am,I would like to point out this was not done on a whim.This decision requires a huge amount of upheaval and gives me even less time to do anything about the laughable state of my own education/life than before.However,when you are told the only place in the whole of your town available for your daughter next year is in a school which is a) on the opposite side of town,b)an all girls school (and they think home education restricts their social skills-how many times do you walk around a street with NOTHING BUT FEMALES?! and lastly,whose 'aspirational quotes' from the students consist of 'I wanna be a beautician,innit?'. Well,you sold me right there...It is not intended to be permanent,I am hoping that I will be more successful in finding her a place in year 8,or at the very least before her GCSEs.I appreciate that it is vital she obtains qualifications,as this is what employers in an increasingly competitive job market are still supposedly looking for,and I dont intend this to hamper her future plans. If anything though,the general consensus seems to be that this is an act of suicidal stupidity upon my part,and I will be punished by marginalising my daughter to the extent she will never integrate with her peers or humanity in general.On the contrary,as I said earlier,there is nothing 'natural' about being stuck in pre-selected groups with other girls (no mention of boys,who are obviously not human or 50% of the human race or anything...)being taught something you have very little interest in. True,we all have to suck it up once in awhile and learn the boring stuff,but what if you got a little freedom of choice? You HAVE to learn a language-but you get to pick which one.You NEED to learn to analyse and deconstruct a well known work of literature,how about one you actually WANT to read? And history,is there a period which interests you?Fine,we'll try that one. Even within the strict guidelines,such as science for example,where certain things are compulsory,we can try and make them more interesting and hands on. Carbon cycle from a textbook,or an interractive exibit at a museum or online? I know which one will most likely be remembered...so the next person who politely/not so politely decides to tell me what Im doing is wrong,please consider the above FIRST please,and then by all means tell me Im crazy...but at least I care enough to not just settle for some third rate school just to get my kid out of the house...