divorce and drinking

Well,its taken its sweet time,but I can finally pay the court fees and get things moving,courtesy of a timely inheritance.I have never been so happy to post a letter or part with 3 hundred quid :) I feel like Ive been stuck in limbo so long,not really married but not really free either.Its time to move on in so many ways.Spring is pretty much here,its back to getting up before 7.30,cleaning everything within an inch of its life,pulling out the old art supplies and starting to look over the horizon and make travel plans. Of course,before any of those things,its time to go teach algebraic formula triangles and shakespeare,followed by a quick tour of the human digestive system-ah the joys of homeschooling,gotta love it. I still feel like it was the best decision I have made for a long while though,we are achieving so much and learning a mixture of academic and life skills.I dont want her to be one of those kids who can answer any test paper with carefully memorised answers,but cant even turn on an oven or fix a tear in a shirt seam.And of course,P.E in the park is all about the hula hoops not about running around a field until you fall over. Oh,and in another newsflash,the new washing machine is up and running,and I have never been so glad to see a kitchen appliance after weeks of washing everything in the tub :)

peace and understanding

...are two things I am not often found in the company of at the best of times...Strangely,the past few days have been something of an epiphany,triggered by,of all things,Buffy reruns. Now,I watched the series when it first came out,up until about series 5 I think,then lost track of it completely. About 2 weeks ago,fx decided to re-broadcast the final season,7,at 9 am every morning. This is,coincidentally, the time I am normally to be found sitting downstairs,eating brekkie and waiting for my brain to kick start.So I watched. I realised after the third episode that there were a few things I appear to have missed,such as why Buffy was now kissing Spike rather than Angel (improvement,I have to say,never been one for tall dark and brooding myself,and at least Spike got some of the best lines.) why one member of the nerd trio was now 'good' and why xander and anya still werent married,but were going at it like the dreaded bunnies...So,I bought the series on dvd-thank you staff discount and sale markdowns...- and watched it all. Then I bought season 6,and finally season 5. Really did like the Buffy/Spike thing. Where the whole Angel relationship was very much first love,Spike and Buffy fought,hated,loved,betrayed and redeemed each other,and at the end they gave each other strength and support in the kind of partnership that only comes with real knowledge and intimacy with the other person. At first,the way it ended had me kind of gutted.There are so many other tv couples who never quite make it and its so frustrating,I mean,Ive been trying NOT to watch this season of Bones,as much as I love the show,because the characters are just in too painful a place.Even the Bill drove me nuts-hey,it used to be on at the same time as Buffy is now-Ill watch anything when Im still half asleep-Stevie and Smithy?! So obviously meant to happen,but never got there. Booth and Bones,so obviously right for each other,and yet he goes all mid life crisis and shags some blonde journo..and now,Buffy and Spike,who is reduced to a pile of dust,but not before turning away Buffys profession of love with a 'thanks,but I know you dont'. So frustrating...and yet today,I realised that,you know what,she didnt love him as much as he loved her,but he meant a lot to her,and she did mean it when she said she loved him,and his response was down to the persistant way she had turned him down every time he had said he loved her. But at the end,she loved him,he loved her as he always had,and even if they werent destined to be together,thats still an unbreakable connection. Ive been toying with finding out what happens in the season 8 comics,but now I dont care if I read them or not,I know the outline of what happens,but its not important. She may not end up with Spike,but they will always have something between them that cannot be taken away. Ditto Booth and Bones,they may or may not get past the whole Hannah thing,but there are parts of him that only Bones will understand,and his cutting her off to make it less painful for himself isnt going to alter the fact she is the one woman who knows him best,and he loves her still. End of.There is a kind of peace in knowing that,even if these characters never get their happy endings,the relationships they have mean they are always connected anyway. The same is true of so many people in reality. How things turn out in the end does not necessarily alter what has happened on the way there. If things did not happen,things werent said or you did not achieve something you wanted so badly to,it does not mean that those things cease to be important,but that you can make your peace with the fact those things entered and left your life for a reason,and the impact or impression they made on you may have caused a change in you which was necessary,a kind of catalyst if you will for yourself to change. If we stop obsessing over how things should go,and accept that things are there and are real and are not going to disappear entirely if they dont end the way you planned,its ok.Pretending those things dont exist isnt the way to get over them not happening,its ok to acknowledge that they are real,and they mean a lot to you,but they may not be the ending you once thought. For example,I would love another child. For so long I have been angry and resentful because that chance has been taken from me as my boyfriend has made it clear he doesnt want children with me. Rather than let that eat at me,or try and convince myself that I dont want another child,its ok to acknowledge the fact that it is real,I do want another child,and that love and experience I could offer another child is real,but rather than the happy ending where I get my own child,the ending is that I use those feelings,the love and experience and desire to care for a child,to help my friends with their children. I have already had the experience once,and although I cant change it and make it as perfect as I would want,I can move on from here knowing that all the knowledge and experience I have now will not be wasted.I appreciate this is long,complicated,and is a stretch from the original analogy,even for a show as over-analysed as Buffy,this is an interesting twist,but its made me feel better. And after the last post,I needed it.