who educates the educator?

Well,as some people already know,this september marks a fairly large step into the unknown...and no Im NOT talking about Bones season 6...or at least,not JUST about that... I have decided,having been given the equivalent of the booby prize (stop snickering at the back!) in the school lottery that is our LEA,I will withdraw the peanut from school and...TEACH HER MYSELF. There.Ive said it,now please stop laughing.Yes,you. I am aware that I am not a shining example of the education system,but I did escape with ten GCSEs,4 A levels and an AS.(and all but 2 at grades A-C) Therefore,I am fairly sure I can handle key stage 3 english,science,history,music,home ec,PE and the like. After much headscratching and a few bitten nails I have a complete syllabus,6month timetable and a daily lesson plan for the next 2 months so submit to the LEA.Those of you who are smarter-yes,Im aware thats a lot of you,will have noticed there is one subject noticably absent from the above list...thats right,MATHS!!! Arrrgh! All my school nightmares in one small (or not) subject...I loathe maths,find it difficult,and other than its applications for my job,my tax return and science,try and avoid it at all costs. It is no accident I keep a calculator in my pocket at work at ALL times! That said,we are gonna try peanut with kumon classes,and if needs be I will happily pay for her to be tutored properly in that one subject. Now,before everyone tells me how mad/stupid/stupidly mad/irresponsible etc I am,I would like to point out this was not done on a whim.This decision requires a huge amount of upheaval and gives me even less time to do anything about the laughable state of my own education/life than before.However,when you are told the only place in the whole of your town available for your daughter next year is in a school which is a) on the opposite side of town,b)an all girls school (and they think home education restricts their social skills-how many times do you walk around a street with NOTHING BUT FEMALES?! and lastly,whose 'aspirational quotes' from the students consist of 'I wanna be a beautician,innit?'. Well,you sold me right there...It is not intended to be permanent,I am hoping that I will be more successful in finding her a place in year 8,or at the very least before her GCSEs.I appreciate that it is vital she obtains qualifications,as this is what employers in an increasingly competitive job market are still supposedly looking for,and I dont intend this to hamper her future plans. If anything though,the general consensus seems to be that this is an act of suicidal stupidity upon my part,and I will be punished by marginalising my daughter to the extent she will never integrate with her peers or humanity in general.On the contrary,as I said earlier,there is nothing 'natural' about being stuck in pre-selected groups with other girls (no mention of boys,who are obviously not human or 50% of the human race or anything...)being taught something you have very little interest in. True,we all have to suck it up once in awhile and learn the boring stuff,but what if you got a little freedom of choice? You HAVE to learn a language-but you get to pick which one.You NEED to learn to analyse and deconstruct a well known work of literature,how about one you actually WANT to read? And history,is there a period which interests you?Fine,we'll try that one. Even within the strict guidelines,such as science for example,where certain things are compulsory,we can try and make them more interesting and hands on. Carbon cycle from a textbook,or an interractive exibit at a museum or online? I know which one will most likely be remembered...so the next person who politely/not so politely decides to tell me what Im doing is wrong,please consider the above FIRST please,and then by all means tell me Im crazy...but at least I care enough to not just settle for some third rate school just to get my kid out of the house...

knots and cross

Well,I gave in. After taking hours combing them painstakingly out, buying several ridiculously expensive (by my standards) conditioners,brushing,grooming an generally pissing about I have come to the conclusion that my hair was much happier in 'locs.So now Im rockin the hedgehog look (thank you rather diverse bloodline for thick black coarse dry hair)my scalp is singing hallelujah....and the bloody louse letter has just come home from the school...crap! Fortunately,kiddo SEEMS to have escaped thus far,but I put rosemary oil in her conditioner,and bugs dont like that,so heres hoping...poor kids getting used to me hovering over her with a comb and a ruthless expression at the first sign of a scratch!Ive been on a baking bonanza-vegan cupcakes with hello kitty iced onto them (at bloody MIDNIGHT I hasten to add-yet another one of kiddos 'oh mum,I forgot,I need cupcakes for a bake sale by tomorrow,and I kinda told my friends Id do hello kitty' theme...)a huge pound cake for boyfriends birthday (NOT iced with hello kitty!) and flapjacks-cranberry and dark choccy chunks of heaven. Ive also been-in no particular order-jobhunting (easier to hunt dinosaurs than good jobs round here) yoga-ing,music downloading (legally,people,I use iTunes,so dont sue me) and the usual walking,washing,cooking,cleaning etc that makes up the bulk of my days. Ive managed to get freakishly obsessed with the Wire(Bones is on hiatus) and as my entire close family packed up and went on holiday together leaving me sans babysitter,Ive been dropping kiddo at school,going straight back on the train and straight to work,working four hours til 2,and then leaving and going straight back to the school to pick her up and finally taking the train back home. Thats a lot of train time,and a LOT of faith in the rail service to run on time,as one delay anywhere results in being either late for work,school,or picking up Cai. None of these is acceptable.So far,only one (£15!!!) taxi ride needed,and a fair few flat out runs. That said,its great to actually get to pick Cai up from school.Speaking of school,last year kiddo was supposed to take a residential trip costing £160 .The morning of said trip,she threw up everywhere on a packed commuter train to school,and we had to turn round and head for home.(Not easy,as she continued to throw up the whole way.Good job I had a plastic bag.) Now,this year,there is another trip that costs £260.Once again,I forked out,but asked if there was any way the money from the last trip,or even some of it could be used as credit. Nope. Nada. Big fat zip. Thats £160 I will never see again. Now,Im a single mother whos only source of income is my paycheck (retail,part time) and a small tax credit subsidy. No maintenance/benefits/child support etc. Its all me. Therefore,Im a little pissed about losing so much money,but I guess I have to take it on the chin and move on.Overall,the outlook is relatively cool-can (almost) afford the divorce-he wont pay any as he 'doesnt need it' and we are all healthy and going on well. Ive read some great books,listened to some cool music,and gotten a lot of exercise.The whole 'running and walking in shoes designed to feel like barefeet' thing has actually made a real difference to my back too,Ive been wearing 5fingers and a pair of nikefrees I found in oxfam,and my posture is better and I dont have the nagging backache that Ive come to associate with 3 past back injuries.Kudos indeed.

lists of listening

Well the boys have to compile a list of their top ten albums of last year...figured Id give it a go..
1.Alice in Chains-black gives way to blue
2.drew nelson-dusty road to beulah land
3.Pearl jam-backspacer
4.paloma faith-do you want the truth or something beautiful
5.seasick steve-i started out with nothing........

see,Im kinda stuck now,so much of the stuff I like is old!

Earlier,I posted on twitter that the price we pay for being IN the centre of a family is having to BE the centre of a family,to hold everyone together no matter what,and to hold fast.The centre cant crack,because the family will suffer,and the pressure is hard.Sometimes,as I said,it is lonely in the middle,but the reward of being in the centre of a family who love and are loved in return is worth everything. :) And if all it costs is to hold on and keep everyone together,then Ill hang on forever. :)They are worth it.

drugs and deliberation

Because it sounds better than 'mad ramblings of sleep deprived woman with decongestant'
We are all connected,every day,to the ones we love.They never really leave you,either by death or distance,that which you shared with them is always real.So many diferent connections,like invisible webs,spreading out accross the world,anchored to a moment,a thought or an event,or simply to blood or family of another kind.They find their way to the other person,and anchor again there. Sometimes the lines are restrictive,tight and thick as steel- a bond that feels heavy and stifling,yet others are little more than gossimer,connecting through time and space to when the world was both bigger and smaller,and our place in it was childhood certain.So many ways to love and be loved,and even those wires which appear broken can somehow tug all to effectively with a single atom,sending lightening down the connection and bringing the memory home.There are those I love,those I remember fondly,and some connections which are not love or even persistant habit,but merely a quirk of something larger than me.Its all pretty impressive. And very fuckin awesome.Now Im off to pass out and wait for the drugs to work..

revised resolutions

...Cos if youre going to be unrealistic,go the whole hog...
This year I will also: Discover more music-I work in HMV for gods sake,it shouldnt be that hard!
Additionally,Play more Bass...cos I can ;)
and lastly,Be more bloody grateful for what,and who I have,cos in all honesty,my 'family' both blood and chosen,are pretty fuckin awesome.
Heres to a great new year for everyone :) May it bring you love,excitement and change,because nothing stands still,and it would be pretty fuckin boring if it did!

resolutions and revelations

Well,guess its that time of year again-emerge blinking and hungover into the light of another new year and decide this is the year it will all be different...just as soon as the pepto bismol starts to work and the light stops hurting your eyes... This year Ive decided on preemptive action,and am posting my resolutions both early and sober. This may help,as last years resolution consisted of 'I will never get flu on new years eve again and spend the night throwing up alone on the couch at home'. The year before,resolutions were hastily scrawled on the back of a bar napkin,and took me the entire year to decipher,and so on. At least this year,I will be able to look back on a clear concise list,and go 'bit bloody hopeful werent ya,love?!' So here goes...

1.) I will absolutely,catagorically NOT be working in retail next christmas.Seriously,Im 30 years old,and I just dont have the stamina or the patience,nor the ability to take abuse from customers simply because they forgot to shop earlier.

2.)Apply to go back to school. Theres a part time degree in biological anthropology at Roehampton,and come hell or high water,my application is going in. No harm in trying.

3.)Ties in with number 1 somewhat: Apply for as many trainee pathology technician jobs as possible. Its taken 12 years+ ta get to this,no more excuses!

4.) To refuse to leave the doctors surgery until I finally get some answers on how to treat my daughters STC. It has been 10 YEARS people,Im pretty sure science and medicine have advanced a little,hmmm?!

5.)More ink! Some butterflies and a 'family' please!

6.)GET A DIVORCE!!!

7.)Learn to relax a little,seriously,the world is NOT gonna stop turning if you forget to empty a bin once in a while.

I hope at least ONE of these makes it (wont tell you which is highest on the list-guess a little!)
Hope wherever and whoever you celebrate with,you bring in the new year with someone you love.X

presents,company and absent friends

Happy Christmas and belated Yule! The boys made a perfect dinner-planned with military precision and carried out with the concentration normally reserved for sale scale out or end of year finance reports.Cai is currently riding the sugar express to Rabbid-ville on the wii,having exhausted herself yesterday by coming in to work for the final hour(otherwise known as the big push) donning a t shirt and,with lanyard round neck and power from flatmate proceeded to take me to task on the state of my section! Hope evryone had a good one,wherever they are.Lastly,to Kevin Markham,No,I didnt open it,cos season of goodwill or not Im not getting fooled again.Merry xmas everyone!xxx