Well,for the last 48 hours I have been on the memory lane express.Believe me,if I knew how to derail that bitch I would! I feel like Im drowning in everything that happened,and Im finding it hard to stay afloat. Had an urgent begging email from my uncle and auntie trying to get me to write to the solicitor so she can release some of Grandmas money early cos my cousin got himself into stupid debt. I did. I also sent them a general chatty email,hoping that I may get a response. Big fat zip. Guess I know where my uses are...Grandmas money is being released, 20% of my share is going to my mother,whether she argues or not as a wedding gift from the Thomsons. I have never wanted my name back so badly. My last link to Grandma,Grandpa and Alan,and Im still stuck as Mann after 2 years.Guess the money will pay for the divorce.I just want to be free awhile. Of course,the problem with freedom is you have to know what to do with it...
Everyone I know seems to be either pregnant or riding the new baby train right now. I am so happy for them,and Im going to try to be a great Auntie to any of them that want,but it drags up things in my past I wish I could leave there. Of course,one of them happened to walk into where I work,recognise me,try and pretend he didnt,and then act like nothing happened. I smiled,said hello,treated him like a normal customer,and hoped he would get the fuck outta my life again asap. That he doesnt acknowledge his daughter is a blessing-I have always provided for her,and never taken anything from him,and damned if Im going to start now.He could at least have had the balls to say hello normally tho.Im not going to bite,if I was I would have done it long ago. I thought I had made my peace with everything,but hearing my friends and how excited they are,and how their partners are doing all these things to help them,and getting excited about the baby scans and stuff and it just hurts. I had one chance at being a mother,I took it,and I love her more than anything,but I have done her no favours. There was no one to get excited about my scan,noone to feel the baby move and know it was theirs. There was my mother in the delivery room,and Cai arrived so perfect,but with only me to see her. I dont know how it feels to be pregnant and excited about it,to look at all the changes and be happy,to have someone to share it all with. I was so lonely when I was pregnant,my friends were so good,but they can only be there for a little while,they have their own lives to lead. I have always provided for her,but its not enough. She should have had everything my friends babys will have. She should have security and had a mother who knew what they were doing,who knew that cloth diapers would get rid of her painful rash,that organic cream would have soothed her excema,and that something was wrong with her stomach at birth,and it should have been dealt with. I know so much now,there is so much I could do right,but I will never have the chance again do bring back Cais childhood and make it better. I did what I could at the time,trusted doctors,applied my knowledge as best I could,but I could have done so much better. I will never be able to fix that,but at least I am smart enough to realise that having another child will not give my first child the perfect babyhood she should have had. I just have to carry on doing my best,because that is all I can do. If I had known,so much would have been different.As it was,she was fed,clothed,rocked to sleep,fed and loved with everything I had. She was breastfed,she was in a sling or a back carrier and close to me a lot,and she went where I went,listened to happy music on the radio,and given everything I could. I am proud that the money that paid for all her new baby things was mine,I am proud that I worked to support us both,and I am proud not to take state handouts or anything from her father.I guess every mother feels like they could have done more. I know I could,and if she was born now,I have learnt so much more,there is so much more out there now that I could do for her. I will never get that chance again,not so long ago I almost did,only for a few weeks,but I think if you mess up something once,you dont always get another go around,and I only hope she will be a strong enough person to get over all the many mistakes Ive made and if she ever has children,to do it when she can enjoy them. Babies and children are supposed to be enjoyed,not survived! They are meant to be a source of joy,not anxiety and they are meant to have the best,not just the best you can do because you are too young and stupid to know enough about raising them. I know I cant have any more children.It hurt so much at first,but I can accept it now. I know crying over the past doesnt fix it,but sometimes its the only way to get it out of your head and move on. I hope she will realise one day that I tried as hard as I could,and that she forgives me for not giving her up to someone who could have done a better job.
I look at my family now,and I can see why my mother has finally found happiness again. He is a good man,with a good family. They are bright,well educated,attractive,churchgoing and they have good jobs. The children are outgoing,confident and beautiful. Talk about trading up,hey? I can see how I must be an embarrassment,pregnant at 19,mum at 20,no education beyond A levels and too stupid to get any,works in retail at 32,and currently still to broke to get out of a divorce,and home educating my daughter,who should never have been subjected to such a life when she could have been adopted into a family like the one my mother is soon to be a part of. Well,Im proud to be a Thomson,someone has to do more for Grandma and Grandpas memory than just fight over their money,and someone has to keep Alans name because its not like hes here to defend it. Whether or not he is proud of his legacy I dont know,I suspect hes highly embarrassed like my mother by the way I turned out,but Im not in stupid debt,Ive always paid my way,and Ive always tried to do what I think is the right thing regardless of public opinion. I dont know its a legacy to be proud of,but its a legacy nonetheless,blood or not.I wish Id known him.Hell,if wishes were pigs,Id be up to my eyes in pork today,huh? Guess its just one of those days,and Im sure tomorrow it will all be fine,and Ill go buy presents for the new babies,and everything will move on. I can at least be a good auntie,even if I cant quite crack being anything else. I just wish I had some direction,right now Im lost and dont know which way to go.
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Hope it was just one of those days and you aren't feeling like this now.
ReplyDeleteI believe we have a reason for doing things the way we do them. We only have so much control over our destiny.
You learn different things being an older mother or a younger one and nobody can say which is better. Later on perhaps you "know" more about life but the longer you are around on this earth the tighter your grip on reality becomes and you lose touch with natural things you may have felt more when you were younger. Nobody can say what is better for a child.
In the end we're all going to make mistakes, however hard we try not to. The most important thing is love, I know that's corny but love is everything.