Friday, 11 March 2011
divorce and drinking
Well,its taken its sweet time,but I can finally pay the court fees and get things moving,courtesy of a timely inheritance.I have never been so happy to post a letter or part with 3 hundred quid :) I feel like Ive been stuck in limbo so long,not really married but not really free either.Its time to move on in so many ways.Spring is pretty much here,its back to getting up before 7.30,cleaning everything within an inch of its life,pulling out the old art supplies and starting to look over the horizon and make travel plans. Of course,before any of those things,its time to go teach algebraic formula triangles and shakespeare,followed by a quick tour of the human digestive system-ah the joys of homeschooling,gotta love it. I still feel like it was the best decision I have made for a long while though,we are achieving so much and learning a mixture of academic and life skills.I dont want her to be one of those kids who can answer any test paper with carefully memorised answers,but cant even turn on an oven or fix a tear in a shirt seam.And of course,P.E in the park is all about the hula hoops not about running around a field until you fall over. Oh,and in another newsflash,the new washing machine is up and running,and I have never been so glad to see a kitchen appliance after weeks of washing everything in the tub :)
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
peace and understanding
...are two things I am not often found in the company of at the best of times...Strangely,the past few days have been something of an epiphany,triggered by,of all things,Buffy reruns. Now,I watched the series when it first came out,up until about series 5 I think,then lost track of it completely. About 2 weeks ago,fx decided to re-broadcast the final season,7,at 9 am every morning. This is,coincidentally, the time I am normally to be found sitting downstairs,eating brekkie and waiting for my brain to kick start.So I watched. I realised after the third episode that there were a few things I appear to have missed,such as why Buffy was now kissing Spike rather than Angel (improvement,I have to say,never been one for tall dark and brooding myself,and at least Spike got some of the best lines.) why one member of the nerd trio was now 'good' and why xander and anya still werent married,but were going at it like the dreaded bunnies...So,I bought the series on dvd-thank you staff discount and sale markdowns...- and watched it all. Then I bought season 6,and finally season 5. Really did like the Buffy/Spike thing. Where the whole Angel relationship was very much first love,Spike and Buffy fought,hated,loved,betrayed and redeemed each other,and at the end they gave each other strength and support in the kind of partnership that only comes with real knowledge and intimacy with the other person. At first,the way it ended had me kind of gutted.There are so many other tv couples who never quite make it and its so frustrating,I mean,Ive been trying NOT to watch this season of Bones,as much as I love the show,because the characters are just in too painful a place.Even the Bill drove me nuts-hey,it used to be on at the same time as Buffy is now-Ill watch anything when Im still half asleep-Stevie and Smithy?! So obviously meant to happen,but never got there. Booth and Bones,so obviously right for each other,and yet he goes all mid life crisis and shags some blonde journo..and now,Buffy and Spike,who is reduced to a pile of dust,but not before turning away Buffys profession of love with a 'thanks,but I know you dont'. So frustrating...and yet today,I realised that,you know what,she didnt love him as much as he loved her,but he meant a lot to her,and she did mean it when she said she loved him,and his response was down to the persistant way she had turned him down every time he had said he loved her. But at the end,she loved him,he loved her as he always had,and even if they werent destined to be together,thats still an unbreakable connection. Ive been toying with finding out what happens in the season 8 comics,but now I dont care if I read them or not,I know the outline of what happens,but its not important. She may not end up with Spike,but they will always have something between them that cannot be taken away. Ditto Booth and Bones,they may or may not get past the whole Hannah thing,but there are parts of him that only Bones will understand,and his cutting her off to make it less painful for himself isnt going to alter the fact she is the one woman who knows him best,and he loves her still. End of.There is a kind of peace in knowing that,even if these characters never get their happy endings,the relationships they have mean they are always connected anyway. The same is true of so many people in reality. How things turn out in the end does not necessarily alter what has happened on the way there. If things did not happen,things werent said or you did not achieve something you wanted so badly to,it does not mean that those things cease to be important,but that you can make your peace with the fact those things entered and left your life for a reason,and the impact or impression they made on you may have caused a change in you which was necessary,a kind of catalyst if you will for yourself to change. If we stop obsessing over how things should go,and accept that things are there and are real and are not going to disappear entirely if they dont end the way you planned,its ok.Pretending those things dont exist isnt the way to get over them not happening,its ok to acknowledge that they are real,and they mean a lot to you,but they may not be the ending you once thought. For example,I would love another child. For so long I have been angry and resentful because that chance has been taken from me as my boyfriend has made it clear he doesnt want children with me. Rather than let that eat at me,or try and convince myself that I dont want another child,its ok to acknowledge the fact that it is real,I do want another child,and that love and experience I could offer another child is real,but rather than the happy ending where I get my own child,the ending is that I use those feelings,the love and experience and desire to care for a child,to help my friends with their children. I have already had the experience once,and although I cant change it and make it as perfect as I would want,I can move on from here knowing that all the knowledge and experience I have now will not be wasted.I appreciate this is long,complicated,and is a stretch from the original analogy,even for a show as over-analysed as Buffy,this is an interesting twist,but its made me feel better. And after the last post,I needed it.
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
breakdown and breakout.
Well,for the last 48 hours I have been on the memory lane express.Believe me,if I knew how to derail that bitch I would! I feel like Im drowning in everything that happened,and Im finding it hard to stay afloat. Had an urgent begging email from my uncle and auntie trying to get me to write to the solicitor so she can release some of Grandmas money early cos my cousin got himself into stupid debt. I did. I also sent them a general chatty email,hoping that I may get a response. Big fat zip. Guess I know where my uses are...Grandmas money is being released, 20% of my share is going to my mother,whether she argues or not as a wedding gift from the Thomsons. I have never wanted my name back so badly. My last link to Grandma,Grandpa and Alan,and Im still stuck as Mann after 2 years.Guess the money will pay for the divorce.I just want to be free awhile. Of course,the problem with freedom is you have to know what to do with it...
Everyone I know seems to be either pregnant or riding the new baby train right now. I am so happy for them,and Im going to try to be a great Auntie to any of them that want,but it drags up things in my past I wish I could leave there. Of course,one of them happened to walk into where I work,recognise me,try and pretend he didnt,and then act like nothing happened. I smiled,said hello,treated him like a normal customer,and hoped he would get the fuck outta my life again asap. That he doesnt acknowledge his daughter is a blessing-I have always provided for her,and never taken anything from him,and damned if Im going to start now.He could at least have had the balls to say hello normally tho.Im not going to bite,if I was I would have done it long ago. I thought I had made my peace with everything,but hearing my friends and how excited they are,and how their partners are doing all these things to help them,and getting excited about the baby scans and stuff and it just hurts. I had one chance at being a mother,I took it,and I love her more than anything,but I have done her no favours. There was no one to get excited about my scan,noone to feel the baby move and know it was theirs. There was my mother in the delivery room,and Cai arrived so perfect,but with only me to see her. I dont know how it feels to be pregnant and excited about it,to look at all the changes and be happy,to have someone to share it all with. I was so lonely when I was pregnant,my friends were so good,but they can only be there for a little while,they have their own lives to lead. I have always provided for her,but its not enough. She should have had everything my friends babys will have. She should have security and had a mother who knew what they were doing,who knew that cloth diapers would get rid of her painful rash,that organic cream would have soothed her excema,and that something was wrong with her stomach at birth,and it should have been dealt with. I know so much now,there is so much I could do right,but I will never have the chance again do bring back Cais childhood and make it better. I did what I could at the time,trusted doctors,applied my knowledge as best I could,but I could have done so much better. I will never be able to fix that,but at least I am smart enough to realise that having another child will not give my first child the perfect babyhood she should have had. I just have to carry on doing my best,because that is all I can do. If I had known,so much would have been different.As it was,she was fed,clothed,rocked to sleep,fed and loved with everything I had. She was breastfed,she was in a sling or a back carrier and close to me a lot,and she went where I went,listened to happy music on the radio,and given everything I could. I am proud that the money that paid for all her new baby things was mine,I am proud that I worked to support us both,and I am proud not to take state handouts or anything from her father.I guess every mother feels like they could have done more. I know I could,and if she was born now,I have learnt so much more,there is so much more out there now that I could do for her. I will never get that chance again,not so long ago I almost did,only for a few weeks,but I think if you mess up something once,you dont always get another go around,and I only hope she will be a strong enough person to get over all the many mistakes Ive made and if she ever has children,to do it when she can enjoy them. Babies and children are supposed to be enjoyed,not survived! They are meant to be a source of joy,not anxiety and they are meant to have the best,not just the best you can do because you are too young and stupid to know enough about raising them. I know I cant have any more children.It hurt so much at first,but I can accept it now. I know crying over the past doesnt fix it,but sometimes its the only way to get it out of your head and move on. I hope she will realise one day that I tried as hard as I could,and that she forgives me for not giving her up to someone who could have done a better job.
I look at my family now,and I can see why my mother has finally found happiness again. He is a good man,with a good family. They are bright,well educated,attractive,churchgoing and they have good jobs. The children are outgoing,confident and beautiful. Talk about trading up,hey? I can see how I must be an embarrassment,pregnant at 19,mum at 20,no education beyond A levels and too stupid to get any,works in retail at 32,and currently still to broke to get out of a divorce,and home educating my daughter,who should never have been subjected to such a life when she could have been adopted into a family like the one my mother is soon to be a part of. Well,Im proud to be a Thomson,someone has to do more for Grandma and Grandpas memory than just fight over their money,and someone has to keep Alans name because its not like hes here to defend it. Whether or not he is proud of his legacy I dont know,I suspect hes highly embarrassed like my mother by the way I turned out,but Im not in stupid debt,Ive always paid my way,and Ive always tried to do what I think is the right thing regardless of public opinion. I dont know its a legacy to be proud of,but its a legacy nonetheless,blood or not.I wish Id known him.Hell,if wishes were pigs,Id be up to my eyes in pork today,huh? Guess its just one of those days,and Im sure tomorrow it will all be fine,and Ill go buy presents for the new babies,and everything will move on. I can at least be a good auntie,even if I cant quite crack being anything else. I just wish I had some direction,right now Im lost and dont know which way to go.
Everyone I know seems to be either pregnant or riding the new baby train right now. I am so happy for them,and Im going to try to be a great Auntie to any of them that want,but it drags up things in my past I wish I could leave there. Of course,one of them happened to walk into where I work,recognise me,try and pretend he didnt,and then act like nothing happened. I smiled,said hello,treated him like a normal customer,and hoped he would get the fuck outta my life again asap. That he doesnt acknowledge his daughter is a blessing-I have always provided for her,and never taken anything from him,and damned if Im going to start now.He could at least have had the balls to say hello normally tho.Im not going to bite,if I was I would have done it long ago. I thought I had made my peace with everything,but hearing my friends and how excited they are,and how their partners are doing all these things to help them,and getting excited about the baby scans and stuff and it just hurts. I had one chance at being a mother,I took it,and I love her more than anything,but I have done her no favours. There was no one to get excited about my scan,noone to feel the baby move and know it was theirs. There was my mother in the delivery room,and Cai arrived so perfect,but with only me to see her. I dont know how it feels to be pregnant and excited about it,to look at all the changes and be happy,to have someone to share it all with. I was so lonely when I was pregnant,my friends were so good,but they can only be there for a little while,they have their own lives to lead. I have always provided for her,but its not enough. She should have had everything my friends babys will have. She should have security and had a mother who knew what they were doing,who knew that cloth diapers would get rid of her painful rash,that organic cream would have soothed her excema,and that something was wrong with her stomach at birth,and it should have been dealt with. I know so much now,there is so much I could do right,but I will never have the chance again do bring back Cais childhood and make it better. I did what I could at the time,trusted doctors,applied my knowledge as best I could,but I could have done so much better. I will never be able to fix that,but at least I am smart enough to realise that having another child will not give my first child the perfect babyhood she should have had. I just have to carry on doing my best,because that is all I can do. If I had known,so much would have been different.As it was,she was fed,clothed,rocked to sleep,fed and loved with everything I had. She was breastfed,she was in a sling or a back carrier and close to me a lot,and she went where I went,listened to happy music on the radio,and given everything I could. I am proud that the money that paid for all her new baby things was mine,I am proud that I worked to support us both,and I am proud not to take state handouts or anything from her father.I guess every mother feels like they could have done more. I know I could,and if she was born now,I have learnt so much more,there is so much more out there now that I could do for her. I will never get that chance again,not so long ago I almost did,only for a few weeks,but I think if you mess up something once,you dont always get another go around,and I only hope she will be a strong enough person to get over all the many mistakes Ive made and if she ever has children,to do it when she can enjoy them. Babies and children are supposed to be enjoyed,not survived! They are meant to be a source of joy,not anxiety and they are meant to have the best,not just the best you can do because you are too young and stupid to know enough about raising them. I know I cant have any more children.It hurt so much at first,but I can accept it now. I know crying over the past doesnt fix it,but sometimes its the only way to get it out of your head and move on. I hope she will realise one day that I tried as hard as I could,and that she forgives me for not giving her up to someone who could have done a better job.
I look at my family now,and I can see why my mother has finally found happiness again. He is a good man,with a good family. They are bright,well educated,attractive,churchgoing and they have good jobs. The children are outgoing,confident and beautiful. Talk about trading up,hey? I can see how I must be an embarrassment,pregnant at 19,mum at 20,no education beyond A levels and too stupid to get any,works in retail at 32,and currently still to broke to get out of a divorce,and home educating my daughter,who should never have been subjected to such a life when she could have been adopted into a family like the one my mother is soon to be a part of. Well,Im proud to be a Thomson,someone has to do more for Grandma and Grandpas memory than just fight over their money,and someone has to keep Alans name because its not like hes here to defend it. Whether or not he is proud of his legacy I dont know,I suspect hes highly embarrassed like my mother by the way I turned out,but Im not in stupid debt,Ive always paid my way,and Ive always tried to do what I think is the right thing regardless of public opinion. I dont know its a legacy to be proud of,but its a legacy nonetheless,blood or not.I wish Id known him.Hell,if wishes were pigs,Id be up to my eyes in pork today,huh? Guess its just one of those days,and Im sure tomorrow it will all be fine,and Ill go buy presents for the new babies,and everything will move on. I can at least be a good auntie,even if I cant quite crack being anything else. I just wish I had some direction,right now Im lost and dont know which way to go.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
resolutions and revolutions
Well,happy new year again...its been a full year since I started this blog...its strangely cathartic...
Anyhow,went back and looked at last years revolutions.Ouch. Didnt quite get all of them done;still havent gone back to school,
STILL havent got divorced, (I know,I know)
and yes,still working in retail.sigh.
Wasnt a total waste...did manage to get Peanuts guts sorted out-no mean feat...and my gods that has made SUCH a difference to our lives.Also learned to let go a little and relax more.Also no mean feat.So,2 out of about 6 isnt so bad I guess...
Anyhow,on with the new year optimism before the hangover bites-9 shots of JD and something that tasted of blackcurrant and not getting to bed until 2am is not really so good at my advanced age ;) This year,Im not so much aiming to improve myself as have a little more fun...
This year I will:
1. Get another tattoo. A big one. On my arm,you know,the one that ISNT already covered...
2.Hoop every day. I do this anyway,but I want to spend MORE time doing it because it makes me happy :)
3. Travel to America again.
4.Grow my hair.Its getting there,Im trying to oil it 3x a week and trim only once every 4 months.
5.Take Peanut to more museums,galleries,fieldtrips etc.
6.Stick with the healthy diet Ive managed this year.
7.Spend more time with my friends...I miss you guys...
8.Keep looking regularly at the job pages-just in case.
9.Pay off my overdraft,credit card and divorce.
10.Draw more
11.Sort out my stuff to a managable level of crap.
I think thats about it...better at least TRY and keep it realistic hehe :)
Oh,and the 'revolutions' refers to the hooping-managed to get a new trick on today,got my hoop from waist to chest with both arms in and then out again and back down...Fun :)
Have fun you guys,a new year awaits...
Anyhow,went back and looked at last years revolutions.Ouch. Didnt quite get all of them done;still havent gone back to school,
STILL havent got divorced, (I know,I know)
and yes,still working in retail.sigh.
Wasnt a total waste...did manage to get Peanuts guts sorted out-no mean feat...and my gods that has made SUCH a difference to our lives.Also learned to let go a little and relax more.Also no mean feat.So,2 out of about 6 isnt so bad I guess...
Anyhow,on with the new year optimism before the hangover bites-9 shots of JD and something that tasted of blackcurrant and not getting to bed until 2am is not really so good at my advanced age ;) This year,Im not so much aiming to improve myself as have a little more fun...
This year I will:
1. Get another tattoo. A big one. On my arm,you know,the one that ISNT already covered...
2.Hoop every day. I do this anyway,but I want to spend MORE time doing it because it makes me happy :)
3. Travel to America again.
4.Grow my hair.Its getting there,Im trying to oil it 3x a week and trim only once every 4 months.
5.Take Peanut to more museums,galleries,fieldtrips etc.
6.Stick with the healthy diet Ive managed this year.
7.Spend more time with my friends...I miss you guys...
8.Keep looking regularly at the job pages-just in case.
9.Pay off my overdraft,credit card and divorce.
10.Draw more
11.Sort out my stuff to a managable level of crap.
I think thats about it...better at least TRY and keep it realistic hehe :)
Oh,and the 'revolutions' refers to the hooping-managed to get a new trick on today,got my hoop from waist to chest with both arms in and then out again and back down...Fun :)
Have fun you guys,a new year awaits...
Friday, 24 December 2010
Happiness and home
Because the two of the above are always linked...Its Christmas eve,the peanut is asleep after tiring herself out at work with me for 5 hours,the boys are out in search of xmas spirit(s) and will fall in happy and totally wasted sometime in the next 3 hours.Right now,the house is peaceful,the altar is trimmed and freshly covered in green and red,there are presents everywhere-all carefully wrapped by me and waiting for the moment I can finally fill the stockings,and after the manic rush of xmas eve at work there is only a sense of peace and calm.This is my favourite moment of christmas.Everything is done,the house is calm and warm,Peanut is sleeping and I can enjoy the anticipation of tomorrow and watching everyone open their stockings. Thats what I want for xmas,the same thing I want every year,to have the boys forget work,just for one day and act like children again,to be happy and relaxed and playful. I want Peanut to open her stocking just like she always does,with excitement that makes me smile like a cheshire cat.I want what every mother wants,for the whole family-even those not with us on the day-to know that I am thinking of them and love them,and I hope that they all have a wonderful,fun,exciting christmas.I hope they all feel loved and warm and happy. And THAT is better than anything you can wrap ;) Happy holidays everyone xxx
Sunday, 19 December 2010
goodwill and gunk
Well,the previous situation resolved itself ok...small luteal cyst,meh. Part of me is relieved,and part of me is sad. I know. He doesnt want kids,Im getting to old to go through that shit again,and Ive been trying (and mostly succeeding) to convince myself that I dont want another child,Im not broody and everything is cool. Unfortunately the large hormonal fallout from this last incident has thrown all my careful reasoning out of the window,and left me mourning the fact that Ill never really experience any of that again. I should be so grateful. I have the best little peanut ever,and Im so proud of her and how far we have come on her way.And yet...there is still that sneaky little wish that wont go away. Meh,maybe I just want to be a housewife. hehehe yeah,and an osteoarcheologist too...Oh,and the goodwill is for the xmas spirit-I cannot WAIT to watch the kids open their presents,and cant wait until that magical time when Im leaving work on xmas eve,ready to make christmas for the kids.That walk home is always a happy one. As for gunk? Well,its what we're all coughing up right now...yay colds. :( Least they be better by christmas..... :)
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
charting and cards.
12 dpo,BFN. Think Im out,but Justice,Empress and 3 cups could convince me otherwise...nothing to do but put my faith where it belongs and wait it out...Im not as strong as I was,and Im twice as scared.Theres 2 to let down and one to save...and all these numbers add up to heartbreak again...still,its out of my hands and into Hers.
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